


It's Just You and I Tonight

by cobblestaubrey



Series: figure my heart out [10]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Light Angst, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "Jackie’s last words had lingered with her, that Jan’s first love was music, that Jackie could not compete with that, that she wouldn’t.Though it hurt in the moment, it also didn’t make sense. To Jan, Jackie was music."
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: figure my heart out [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792651
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20





	It's Just You and I Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a set of ‘notes’ like 3 months ago when I first started planning out the story, and had no idea if I was gonna make it this far or how the response would be: 
> 
> “The original version of this was entitled “its not living if it’s not with you” but like.. That’s creepy. And I thought it’d be meaningful if I used a line from Heart Out. I feel like this works.”
> 
> A real way with words, Griffin. Anyway. Wow. We’ve made it to the most important story of all! This is SO weird to me, I’ve never made it so far into a story like this! I am so, SO thankful for all of your support. Writing this, making friends, and gaining support from some of my favorite authors in this community has meant the world to me!
> 
> Thank you to @drivingmecrazy for being a total baller and beta-ing this fic, and helping me every time I couldn’t figure out how to describe facial expressions
> 
> Without further ado, here’s “It’s Just You and I Tonight”

Saturday was measured in how many times Jan’s playlist went around and around again.

Jackie’s last words had lingered with her, that Jan’s first love was music, that Jackie could not compete with that, that she _wouldn’t_. 

Though it hurt in the moment, it also didn’t make sense. To Jan, Jackie _was_ music. 

Jackie was the chorus that lit up her soul and kept her dancing, the bridge that burned deep within her, and the verses that reminded her of their own story.

Hundreds of songs were scattered through each of Jan’s playlists, some for her highest highs, others for when she was at her lowest lows, but the ones she loved the most were in a playlist that was especially curated to be full of songs that told the story of Jan and Jackie’s relationship from start to finish.

Finish was a strong word. 

Some things would never be truly over, like Gigi’s obsession with the eighties, or Brita’s love of a sensible pantsuit, or the way that Jackie made Jan feel. Like there was always a light at the end of the tunnel, or that home was never really a place, but the comfortability and contentment of a lazy Sunday, lounging around Jackie’s apartment in nothing but pajamas. 

Sunday. Sunday marked Jan and Jackie’s one year. Well, what would have been their one year. Jan aimlessly paced, wondering if reconciliation would reset this, or if they would just celebrate their one year the next weekend. 

Could a weekend bridge the gap that Jackie had wedged in between them? 

No, of course not, Jan surmised. Maybe two weekends. 

The sound of Lemon’s desk chair squeaking pulled Jan away from her thoughts. “You seeing your girl tomorrow?” Lemon had asked, smiling gently at Jan from across the room.

Jan shrugged, opting to be noncommittal about the whole situation. She couldn’t get her hopes up. “She’s not my girl,” she muttered, keeping her eyes on her phone.

After Jackie had responded to Jan, they confirmed a time, and that was that. Their conversation halted immediately. How could Jan see that as a good sign?

Lemon laughed quietly, and Jan could see her shaking her head in her peripheral. “It’s been two weeks. I’ve seen people break up for longer and still work out.”

Jan rolled her eyes. Throwing her phone down on her bed with a soft thud, she looked up to meet Lemon’s eyes. “Two weeks is like a year to lesbians.”

“You’re bisexual.”

Lemon barely dodged the pillow Jan threw at her. “Whatever. The women-loving-women world. Fuck off.”

The two laughed, but it faded quickly. Lemon rolled her chair over to the edge of Jan’s bed, bending slightly to rest her arms on the comforter, laying her head down on them. “Don’t overthink it. It’s gonna be okay.”

Scoffing, Jan threw herself onto her back, staring up at her ceiling. “Easy for you to say. Mark’s a doll.”

“Yeah, but he’s a man,” Lemon smirked. “He’s messed up plenty.” She reached forward, poking the bottom of Jan’s left foot, causing the taller blonde to squirm. “It hurts, yeah, but I know I’ve hurt him, too.”

“Yeah,” Jan breathed out. Her arguments with Jackie played across her ceiling, a movie with a sad ending that kept Jan wondering what happened after the credits finished rolling. She could see their fight from weeks ago, where Jan felt so lost, but also their fight from November, where Jan had blown everything out of proportion. All she wanted to do was protect herself. “It’s just, like, she told me to talk to her about anything, and then out of nowhere breaks up with me.” She looked over to her desk, cluttered with the school work she told herself she’d take care of soon. 

Her legs are pushed away by Lemon, who moved forward to sit on Jan’s bed with her. “You didn’t see it coming?”

“No!” Jan shot up, throwing her hands in the air. “I don’t know if I’m oblivious or I was just seeing what I wanted to see, but I honestly thought we were okay.”

“Well, that’s a perfect place to start, then, right?” Lemon offered, and Jan knew that was also a perfect place to end this conversation. Lemon had already dealt with her so often the last two weeks, she didn’t need to hear this all again. 

“Yeah, I think so.”

Lemon clapped, sitting back up. “Great!” She turned back around, facing her desk, which was stacked with textbooks. “Now help me study. I still don’t know anything about ethics.”

* * *

_Oh, fuck, oh shit… fuck._

Sunday morning, Jackie’s body had awoken her at a sensible four in the morning. Her dreams eluded her, but she remembered the sickly sweet feeling of Jan’s lips on her own and hands over her heart. 

Those hands had been pushing at her chest, breaking her ribs, her lips breathing air into Jackie’s mouth, creating a full feeling that left Jackie gasping and tearing at the seams.

She knew she wasn’t going back to sleep after that, so she quietly trudged out of bed, careful not to wake her roommate, and made her way to the coffee machine. Filling up the water reservoir, she let her mind wander. 

Seeing Jan again after two weeks wouldn’t be too striking, right? It had been such a short amount of time, but Jackie wasn’t an idiot. She knew what today was, and what impact that might have on Jan. It’s not like she meant to end their relationship so close to their anniversary, but maybe, subconsciously, she did? 

That one year mark meant it was something _real_ , something she couldn’t pretend was just a juvenile relationship anymore. 

Then again, when she had sent out that letter to her mother, everything became real, anyway. Not to say that how she felt about Jan wasn’t genuine before, but any day now her mother would be able to put every sleepover into perspective, every fleeting touch and dinner Jan had joined in on. Jan would no longer be Jackie’s best friend.

Jan would be considered, as Jackie had put it, “the love of her life”, which, _Jesus_ , what was Jackie thinking when she wrote that? Sure, it was nice to get it all out, but did her mother really need another heart attack? She had already come out to her in the letter, she probably didn’t need to bring Jan into it at all. 

When she had finally taken her first sip of coffee, feeling the way it burned her lip, Jackie knew that nothing would ever be the same again, regarding her life. It felt like a dream that she would wake up from, like the end of a television show where everything would be the same the next episode.

Hours ticked by, Jackie having preoccupied herself by revising one of her last essays that was due on the following Wednesday. She watched herself delete and rewrite the words before her so slowly. She was never quite sure what words would fit or make sense, and it was starting to to give her a headache. 

Was she actually getting any work done? No, but it made her feel better to know she wasn’t wasting her time, watching the minutes change on her analog clock. 

One in the afternoon was the time her and Jan decided on; it was just early enough to avoid too many hours of agony, waiting to see the other, and just late enough to at least try and stomach a meal or two, and get that out of the way.

As soon as Jackie’s clock hit eleven, she briskly stalked out of her apartment, calling out to her roommate that she’d be gone for a while. She heard no response back, unsure if her roommate was even home, but continued towards the steps, tapping her hand on the railing all the way down. 

It usually took her around an hour and a half to walk to Jan’s dorm hall, but at this point, she knew she’d need around thirty more minutes to hype herself up enough to see Jan again.

She couldn’t imagine how Jan would look at her. Her breath became ragged, despite not moving too fast. Each step brought her closer and closer to Jan, but her thoughts pulled her away, begging her to not risk it, to keep herself protected, hoping to God Jan wouldn’t see through a facade. 

But another part of her begged and pleaded in a whisper, to tell Jan the truth, to hold her and never let her go. To tell Jan that as much as she tried to hide it, Jan was the love of her life. 

Her eyes were glued to the sidewalk, but every now and then she would look up, watching strangers around her pass by. Did any of them look as nervous as she felt? Could they see her distress?

It was hopeless, she thought, trying to pretend to be okay. 

About an hour and a half later, she was at the bottom floor of Jan’s dorm, peering through the glass doors. Jan was already there in the lobby, and looked like she had been for a while, tapping her hands on her knees and looking around. 

She was as beautiful as the day Jackie had first seen her.

Jackie let out a breath, deciding it was now or never.

* * *

Being pulled into Jan’s dorm used to be one of the best feelings in the world for Jackie, but, now, Jackie could feel the cogs in her brain turning in her stomach. Every thought sunk past her chest and into her stomach, and Jan let go of her hand as fast as she had taken it.

“You came,” Jan breathed out, looking at Jackie as though she didn’t really believe she was there. 

A shrug was all Jackie could muster. “There’s nowhere else I want to be.” That something inside the brunette, that had been whispering to her, had won out. If she didn’t put it all out in the open now, her window of opportunity would shut and lock. 

Jan quirked her mouth to the side, shaking her head. “You can’t say things like that, after... you left me.” She let out a little laugh at the end, an empty laugh with little feeling. 

The two stood feet apart, the tension thick enough to wrap itself around Jackie’s neck. She tried to look forward, but her eyes felt heavy, and she had difficulty looking up from the ground.

“I’m sorry.” She watched her shoe scuff the rug beneath her, wondering if she should have taken them off at the door.

The silence bit at Jackie’s skin, pin pricks all down her arms. Finally, Jan spoke up again, “We need to set some ground rules, okay? Right now.”

Quirking her head up, Jackie raised an eyebrow. “Um, okay... Ground rules?”

Jan moved over to Lemon’s bed to sit down, and Jackie followed suit onto Jan’s. “You can’t hide in that Jackie-shell of yours. I need you here, with me. I need you to tell me what I did.”

Jackie’s response was immediate, eyes wide and defensive. “You didn’t do anything,”

She hates the way Jan’s shoulders sag, and her voice comes out, pleading. “Jackie…”

I… My mother…” Her eyes wander around the room, at the spots her pictures used to be, and could only think of how desperately she wanted them back up, before she spoke again. “She told me - she said that” - Jackie swallowed here - “there was a boy, a man she wanted me to meet... at home.”

“Oh, _baby_.” 

Jan’s pity was the last thing Jackie wanted, so she continued on, her words coming out faster and erratic. “That isn’t home, Jan, wherever that man is. Home is with you,” she looked at Jan, watching how the blonde’s eyes shined under the dim ceiling light, twinkling with unshed tears. She cleared her throat, trying to choke out an explanation. “But, my mother, my whole life, she’s tried so hard. She hid her _accent_ for me, Jan, so I wouldn’t be ashamed of her in public! Like I should be ashamed of where she came from - where _I_ came from - she sacrificed so much for me.”

Jan cocked her head to the side, furrowing her eyebrows. “But you didn’t _ask_ her to.” Her voice was higher, almost pleading with Jackie to understand.

“I know, I know. But after all that,” Jackie sighed, gesturing aimlessly, “telling her that I’m… gay, I thought it would break her heart.” 

Her eyes stayed down, mapping out the rug beneath her. Out of the corner of her, she could see Jan lean towards her instinctively. Jackie wanted to reach out, grab her hand, pull her close, but the distance kept her from breaking down.

“It’s who you _are_ , Jackie,” Jan asserted, shaking her head, “We - this... _it_ made you happy.”

Jackie nodded, her eyes previously hard eyes softening, yet never raising from the rug. “It makes me happy.”

Pausing, Jan tilted her head down to try and catch Jackie’s eye. “Yeah?”

Jackie loved patterns. She loved knowing that an input would always inspire the same output. 

But she was tired of running.

“ _Yes_ , Jan, of course, _always_!” She could feel something running through her veins, lighting her up, begging with Jan and herself to see everything she had put out on the line. “There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you and the stupid mistake I made.” 

“You don’t have to grovel,” was all Jan said, shrugging. The purple that shined under her eyes was more prevalent than Jackie had even seen, even during midterms in the winter. Her shoulders were sagged and her hands laid loosely over her lap.

“I’m not. I’m literally just telling you how I feel. I fucked up so bad, Jan.”

“I kissed someone else,” Jan spoke immediately, concise and sharp, cutting Jackie raw. 

She bristled, pulling herself backwards. “What?”

Jan looked between Jackie’s eyes, biting her lip. “At a party.”

The feeling of her stomach dropping nailed Jackie to her spot on Jan’s bed, and it rushed all the way through her torso. It tasted sour in her mouth. “Who?”

Closing her eyes, Jan shook her head. “Why does it matter? You wouldn’t know him.”

“I just…” Jackie looked away. She wrung her hands together, trying to calm herself down. “I don’t know...”

“Honesty, baby, please.”

“I feel… kind of sick? Like a punch in the gut.” She placed her hand over her stomach, tears pricking at her eyes.

“You know that’s not fair.”

“I know,” Jackie groans. “It’s not. We weren’t together and I told you to go move on, I know. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Jan rocked back and forth, before nodding slightly. “I know.” 

Looking back up, Jackie sucked in a breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m sorry.” 

The tension was palpable, sticking to Jackie’s skin, and she wanted nothing more than to brush it off. “I just wanted that out in the open,” Jan spoke softly again. She waited with baited breath for Jackie’s response. 

“Yeah, no, I get that… Um, I didn’t. Kiss anyone else.” 

Jan let out a breath, and Jackie envied that relief. “When you left, it, I really, really didn’t think it would get better.” 

Jackie nodded, tapping her fingers together on her lap. She would meet Jan’s eyes every once and a while, but it was hard for her to see the pain behind Jan’s eyes. 

“Everything reminded me of you, or felt like you, and everything hurt,” the pain behind Jan’s voice struck like a minor chord, cracking in the middle. “I just don’t know why you would hurt me like that.” 

Jackie felt like she was aimlessly maneuvering around the conversation, completely lost. “I don’t know what else to say except for that I’m sorry.”

“Anything else, Jackie!” The bed squeaked when Jan’s fist hit the comforter. The blonde threw her head back, letting out a short groan, before bringing it back down to look directly at Jackie. “Promise me you’ll never hurt me again, or tell me that you love me, I don’t know! I’m hurting here, ‘sorry’ isn’t going to fix this!”

“I can’t fix this for you, Jan!” Her voice was much higher, to the point of exasperation. “Of course I love you, I am _in_ love with you! But I’m a fucking moron, too, and I’ll probably hurt you again by accident!” Her sentences became more frantic, rushing into each other. “I - I can promise you that for as long as I love you, I will never, _ever_ let you go, again.”

Tears had already begun cascading down Jan’s face before Jackie had even finished her sentence. 

“Is that enough?” Jackie asked, her voice cracking at the end. 

Jan didn’t respond, only rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. Her ragged breathing filled the room, like a terrible soundtrack to a terrible night.

“You are the best part of my life. I’m so sorry I hurt you, but one conversation isn’t going to fix all of this.” 

Getting up from Lemon’s bed, Jan tried to dry her tears on her sleeve while she made her way over to Jackie, crawling into her lap. At this point, she had no idea what the boundaries were, but she needed to feel Jackie close. The brunette instinctively wrapped her arms around Jan, pulling her in. Jan’s face immediately went to the crook of Jackie’s neck, breathing her in for the first time in two weeks. 

Her eyelids began to droop almost immediately, as she felt so comfortable in the taller girl’s embrace. The tension in her body melted, slowly, as her tears embedded themselves in Jackie’s sweater. She could feel the dull ache in the back of her head, and her throat was dry, but she didn’t want to move. 

“I’m so sorry I did this to you,” Jackie whispered into the crown of Jan’s head.

Jan shook her head against Jackie’s body, pulling away only slightly to look up, pressing a kiss to Jackie’s chin. “I get why you did it. I just wish you would’ve talked to me.”

“I didn’t want to change my mind. I thought this would happen no matter what, so I just… sped up the process.”

“You preached communication for months, but wouldn’t do the same for me.” 

Jackie let out a huge breath, berating herself inwardly. “I know. I understand if it’s going to take a while for you to trust me again, but I’m willing to spend every day of the summer getting us back to where we were.”

Jan stilled against her.

“I don’t think we can go back, Jackie.” Jan spoke softly, but it still broke Jackie’s heart. 

That pang of anxiety she always got when being given bad news dangling in the back of her throat, and there was nothing Jackie could do to stop crying. “You don’t?”

“We have to keep moving forward.”

Jackie could barely croak out, “What does that mean?” 

“You read _The Great Gatsby_ , right?”

Jackie groaned goodnaturedly, but her small smile didn't meet her eyes. “Okay, yeah, I get it.”

A pregnant pause passed by, before Jan spoke again. “I love you, Jackie.” 

Those words used to mean the world to Jackie, yet in the moment, they still felt like mini daggers. They felt like the preamble to something that would hurt. “I love you, too.”

“When I opened that door and let you in, I still felt that unwavering love I’ve felt for you every day for the last year. It also hurt, knowing you weren’t mine.”

“I am,” Jackie responded immediately. “I am yours, and I’ve always been. Even apart.”

Jan shook her head slightly against Jackie’s chest. “There’s still that chance that a month down the line, you could leave me again, as soon as your mom comes calling.”

“I told her.”

Jan stilled completely, only allowing her chest to move up and down with each breath. “You did?”

“I sent her a letter, she’ll be getting it in a few days.” Jackie swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to stop herself from shaking. “I told her that I didn’t want to meet anyone back home, because I already met someone a long time ago, who- who I love, and care about more than anyone I’ve ever met. And I wasn’t going to let her stand between my happiness, or my love’s happiness.”

Jan’s arms squeezed her even tighter, the blonde’s hands rubbing circles over Jackie’s back. “Jackie…”

The words wouldn’t stop coming, “I told her it was you, Jan, that it was always you. And, and that whatever she says, or wants from me, it can’t change how I feel.” The weight of what she had said to her mother finally slammed down on top of her, and she’d crumble if she wasn’t holding Jan so close. 

Jackie had first told Jan that she loved her when they were laying on her bed at the house she had grown up in. Now, in the bed that Jan had been sleeping in for the eight months, growing up all over again, Jackie felt like that eighteen year old girl, barely graduated, barely knowing anything except for the love she had for Jan. The fear, the bubbling in her chest that swam up to her throat, wanting to spill out all over, that _need_. The need to make everything feel right, to tell Jan that nothing would ever be better than the way the blonde looked at her, or the way she felt when Jan smiled, or laughed, or sang. 

She took a minute to collect her thoughts, before speaking again. “I think it’ll always be you. And- and I tried to tell myself you weren’t, but you are.”

Jan said nothing, which was terrifying, because Jan was always big actions and even bigger words, and Jackie valued silence, but not from Jan. She wanted to hear Jan’s thoughts and breaths, and her heart pounding against her chest.

Jan hummed a bit to herself, playing with the hem of Jackie’s sweater. “I don’t wanna lose you,” she whispered, moving her hands to gently scrape the skin under Jackie’s shirt. It wasn’t a sexual thing, Jackie had learned over the last year, but for comfort. Feeling Jackie’s bare skin grounded Jan, and Jackie would let Jan do anything, even if it made goosebumps break out over her back. 

“You won’t.” Jackie was resolute in that statement, and she could feel her certainty rocking Jan to her core, with the way Jan let out a shaky breath onto her neck. “It’s gonna be hard, but I love you. I won’t leave you.”

Jan’s lips pressed against Jackie’s collarbone, before her soft voice asked, “So you’ll be mine again?” 

“I always was.” Jackie continued on, before Jan could interrupt. “But yes, _yes_ , of course.”

Jan sniffed, bringing one hand up to cup Jackie’s face. She rubbed her thumb on Jackie’s cheek, the action so achingly familiar that it caused Jackie’s unshed tears to begin pricking at her eyes once more. “You’re my girl.” Jan whispered.

All Jackie could do was nod, keeping her eyes closed. “I’m yours.” 

Jackie had no idea how much time passed, but they sat there for what felt like hours and minutes, holding each other. Her back probably was going to ache tomorrow, Jackie surmised, but she felt nothing but Jan’s body against her own. It felt a bit like healing, like Jan was breathing new life into Jackie’s lungs.

After a while, a thought crept into Jackie’s mind. Without an answer, Jackie couldn’t shake it.

“I know,” Jackie began, clearing her throat, “ that I can’t take back the break up, but, um…” She trailed off, quirking her mouth to the side. She could feel Jan’s eyes wandering around her face, mapping it out, but it calmed Jackie if anything. “Is it still our anniversary?” 

She tried not to look hopeful, but two weeks apart couldn’t throw an entire year away, right? 

Before she could continue to overthink, she received a small, subtle nod from Jan. “It can be.” 

That was all Jackie needed, yet she still tried to hide the smile that began to grow on her face. 

“Okay,” Jackie murmured, squeezing Jan a little tighter.

Jan shifted slightly out of Jackie’s embrace, moving her head to rub her cheek against Jackie’s own, holding herself up with a hand on Jackie’s leg. 

“Happy anniversary, Jackie,” was whispered into her ear, with one of Jan’s hands squeezing at her thigh, the other still on her back. 

Tears pricked at Jackie’s eyes. “Happy anniversary, baby,” she breathed out into the room, laying down to sink further into the mattress.

There was tomorrow to worry about, and the next day, and the day after that, but the sound of Jan’s breathing was all that was entering Jackie’s mind at the moment. 

For all she knew, it could’ve just been her and Jan in that city together, the sound of the busy streets outside dimming behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed like five hours after posting that I wrote a word wrong and it completely changed the meaning of a sentence damn. It’s “it WASNT a sexual thing” not “it was a sexual thing” when Jan puts her hand under Jackie’s shirt FUCK THIS LOL
> 
> Man it really took all of me to finish this LOL I tried to pump it all out in like, one night, and it SUCKED LOL 
> 
> Um, I hope you guys like it? Idk. This seems kinda... anti-climactic? Idk, I also feel like I always rant here, and then you all comment trying to reassure me, which I feel bad about LOL But idk like, they break up, spend time apart, get back together. Kinda easy. But not really, idk. There's still some sad shit to think about I guess idk.
> 
> So, here’s how it’s gonna work from here on out: This is the final story in the true linear progression. The next story is a time skip, and the story after that (“God Only Knows But You'll Never Leave Her”) is a multi-chapter story that I’m gonna fill with random one-shots and drabbles from the same universe. This will include Jankie, but also have stories about Braiden, Sakuradoll, and Crygi! Wooooo! 
> 
> Also I dunno if anyone saw this but I feel like I shouldn’t be pointing out my own writing, but the fact Jan said “Yeah?” and Jackie DIDN’T say “yeah.” but went OFF with a million of other variations of “yeah” got me :’)


End file.
